What’s actually happening when conversation works?

I’ve recorded a lot of conversations over the past decade — and started my Open + Curious project to explicitly write down what I think I’ve learned. The advice everyone gets about conversation — be warm, follow up, build rapport — doesn’t fully describe what I’ve actually seen happen in the conversations that worked.

This thread is a path through pieces I’ve written and conversations I’ve distilled, sequenced for someone who’s wondering why so many attempts at meaningful conversation fall flat. As usual for my writing, none of them answer the question. Instead, they name some of the gaps between what we usually mean by good conversation and what’s happening when a conversation is actually good.

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Anxiety

It is not speaking that breaks our silence, but the anxiety to be heard.

~ Thomas Merton

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Wisdom versus talking

Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you’d have preferred to talk.

~ Doug Larson

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Listening

When people realize they’re being listened to, they tell you things.

~ Richard Ford

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Just listening

It’s easy to get lost in the moment when another is speaking. So many things can spring to mind as our thoughts race to keep up with, and perhaps even to get ahead of, the speaker’s thinking. It seems so clearly truly that in order to have any chance to affect this other person, we have to get to the part where I get to start talking… But truly, step one is always to first be able to listen.

There is good reason to believe that high-quality listening can constructively influence a person’s attitudes about controversial issues. My previous work on listening suggests that when speakers experience high-quality listening, their attitudes often become less extreme and less prejudiced. Attitudes can also become more complex.

~ Guy Itzchakov from, Why listening well can make disagreements less damaging

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Simply listening—good, active listening—can have a real effect on the speaker.

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This may figure in

Aeon has been one of the better things I’ve recently found scattered upon the Internet. It’s not new; It’s new to me. One of my super-powers isn’t actually a super-power. It’s a piece of software that I wrote. Take a look at Aeon and imagine if, somehow, every day you were offered a couple of these essays to consider. Most of them I pass. But some of them…

For those with more serious loss, the decline of one sense often strengthens others. Watch anyone who has had hearing problems for a while and it’s obvious that they are listening differently. They listen with the whole of themselves, bodies turned towards the speaker, drinking in cues. They don’t hear so much as inhale, taking in everything from the expression in the other person’s eyes to the story told by their hands. At a sign language class or a deaf pub night, people — British people, even — will be listening and communicating with everything they have: gesture, expression, if necessary grabbing the other person and physically manhandling them into understanding.

~ Bella Bathurst, from Sound advice

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I have always had poor hearing. If you’re a certain age, you’ll remember lining up to go into your school library, where someone gave you headphones and told you to raise your hand when you heard each tone. I didn’t have to raise my hand much, so, yay? /sarcasm Over the years I realized that I was compensating in other ways. Lip-reading being the most obvious. It wasn’t as good as Ye Ol’ Ears, but it worked. Somewhat. Eventually I got hearing aids and that’s another anecdote for another day.

Those who know me best, laugh derisively when I say, “People tell me I’m an amazing listener.” No really. A lot of people tell me that. And after reading that essay, I’m left wondering if having really poor hearing for most of my life, might be the secret to my listening.

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If possible

One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and, if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words.

~ Goethe

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Silence

Silence is exhilarating at first—as noise is—but there is a sweetness to silence outlasting exhilaration, akin to the sweetness of listening and the velvet of sleep.

~ Edward Hoagland

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Repetition

Everything that needs to be said has already been said. But since no one was listening, everything must be said again.

~ André Gide

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Listening

When you don’t know what to say, that’s okay. That shows you’re listening.

~ Anna Sale

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