Sally sells sea shells by the sea shore is SIMPLE compared to this

The Chaos

Dearest creature in creation
Studying English pronunciation,
    I will teach you in my¬†verse
    Sounds like¬†corpse,¬†corps,¬†horse¬†and¬†worse.

I will keep you, Susy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy;
    Tear¬†in eye, your dress you’ll¬†tear;
    Queer, fair¬†seer,¬†hear¬†my¬†prayer.

Pray, console your loving poet,
Make my coat look new, dear, sew it!
    Just compare¬†heart,¬†hear¬†and¬†heard,

Sword and sward, retain and Britain
(Mind the latter how it’s¬†written).
    Made¬†has not the sound of¬†bade,

Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as vague and ague,
    But be careful how you¬†speak,
    Say:¬†gush, bush, steak, streak, break, bleak¬†,

Previous, precious, fuchsia, via
Recipe, pipe, studding-sail, choir;

Say, expecting fraud and trickery:
Daughter, laughter and Terpsichore,
    Branch, ranch, measles,¬†topsails,¬†aisles,

Wholly, holly, signal, signing,
Same, examining, but mining,
    Scholar,¬†vicar, and¬†cigar,

From “desire”:¬†desirable-admirable¬†from “admire”,
Lumber, plumber, bier, but brier,
    Topsham,¬†brougham,¬†renown, but¬†known,

One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel.
    Beau, kind, kindred, queue,¬†mankind,

Tortoise, turquoise, chamois-leather,
Reading, Reading, heathen, heather.
    This phonetic labyrinth

Have you ever yet endeavoured
To pronounce revered and severed,
    Demon, lemon, ghoul, foul, soul,
    Peter, petrol¬†and¬†patrol?

Billet does not end like ballet;
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
    Blood¬†and¬†flood¬†are not like¬†food,
    Nor is¬†mould¬†like¬†should¬†and¬†would.

Banquet is not nearly parquet,
Which exactly rhymes with khaki.
    Toward, to¬†forward, to¬†reward,

Ricocheted and crocheting, croquet?
Right! Your pronunciation’s OK.

Is your r correct in higher?
Keats asserts it rhymes Thalia.
    Hugh, but¬†hug, and¬†hood, but¬†hoot,
    Buoyant,¬†minute, but¬†minute.

Say abscission with precision,
Now: position and transition;
    Would it tally with my¬†rhyme
    If I mentioned¬†paradigm?

Twopence, threepence, tease are easy,
But cease, crease, grease and greasy?
    Cornice, nice, valise, revise,

Of such puzzling words as nauseous,
Rhyming well with cautious, tortious,
    You’ll¬†envelop¬†lists, I hope,
    In a linen¬†envelope.

Would you like some more? You’ll¬†have it!
Affidavit, David, davit.
    To¬†abjure, to¬†perjure.¬†Sheik
    Does not sound like¬†Czech¬†but¬†ache.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, loch, moustache, eleven.
    We say¬†hallowed, but¬†allowed,

Mark the difference, moreover,
Between mover, plover, Dover.
    Chalice, but¬†police¬†and¬†lice,

Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
    Petal,¬†penal, and¬†canal,

Suit, suite, ruin. Circuit, conduit
Rhyme with “shirk it” and “beyond it”,
    But it is not hard to tell
    Why it’s¬†pall,¬†mall, but¬†Pall¬†Mall.

Muscle, muscular, gaol, iron,
Timber, climber, bullion, lion,

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
Has the a of drachm and hammer.
    Desert, but¬†desert,¬†address.

Golf, wolf, countenance, lieutenants
Hoist in lieu of flags left pennants.
    Courier, courtier, tomb,¬†bomb,¬†comb,
    Cow, but¬†Cowper,¬†some¬†and¬†home.

“Solder, soldier!¬†Blood is¬†thicker”,
Quoth he, “than¬†liqueur¬†or¬†liquor”,
    Making, it is sad but¬†true,
    In bravado, much¬†ado.

Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
    Pilot, pivot, gaunt, but¬†aunt,

Arsenic, specific, scenic,
Relic, rhetoric, hygienic.
    Gooseberry, goose, and¬†close, but¬†close,
    Paradise, rise, rose, and¬†dose.

Say inveigh, neigh, but inveigle,
Make the latter rhyme with eagle.

And I bet you, dear, a penny,
You say mani-(fold) like many,
    Which is wrong. Say¬†rapier, pier,
    Tier¬†(one who ties), but¬†tier.

Arch, archangel; pray, does erring
Rhyme with herring or with stirring?
    Prison, bison, treasure trove,
    Treason, hover, cover, cove,

Perseverance, severance. Ribald
Rhymes (but¬†piebald¬†doesn’t) with¬†nibbled.
    Phaeton, paean, gnat, ghat, gnaw,
    Lien, psychic, shone, bone, pshaw.

Don’t be¬†down, my¬†own, but¬†rough it,
And distinguish buffet, buffet;
    Brood, stood, roof, rook, school, wool, boon,
    Worcester, Boleyn, to¬†impugn.

Say in sounds correct and sterling
Hearse, hear, hearken, year and yearling.
    Evil, devil, mezzotint,
    Mind the z! (A gentle hint.)

Now you need not pay attention
To such sounds as I don’t mention,
    Sounds like¬†pores, pause, pours¬†and¬†paws,
    Rhyming with the pronoun¬†yours;

Nor are proper names included,
Though I often heard, as you did,
    Funny rhymes to¬†unicorn,
    Yes, you know them,¬†Vaughan¬†and¬†Strachan.

No, my maiden, coy and comely,
I don’t want to speak of¬†Cholmondeley.
    No. Yet¬†Froude¬†compared with¬†proud
    Is no better than¬†McLeod.

But mind trivial and vial,
Tripod, menial, denial,
    Schedule, mischief, schism,¬†and¬†scheme.

Argil, gill, Argyll, gill. Surely
May be made to rhyme with Raleigh,
    But you’re not supposed to say
    Piquet¬†rhymes with¬†sobriquet.

Had this invalid invalid
Worthless documents? How pallid,
    How¬†uncouth¬†he,¬†couchant, looked,
    When for¬†Portsmouth¬†I had booked!

Zeus, Thebes, Thales, Aphrodite,
Paramour, enamoured, flighty,
    Episodes, antipodes,
    Acquiesce, and¬†obsequies.

Please don’t monkey with the¬†geyser,
Don’t peel ‘taters with my¬†razor,
    Rather say in accents pure:
    Nature, stature¬†and¬†mature.

Pious, impious, limb, climb, glumly,
Worsted, worsted, crumbly, dumbly,
    Conquer, conquest, vase, phase, fan,
    Wan, sedan¬†and¬†artisan.

The th will surely trouble you
More than r, ch or w.
    Say then these phonetic¬†gems:
    Thomas, thyme, Theresa, Thames.

Thompson, Chatham, Waltham, Streatham,
There are more but I¬†forget ’em-
    Wait! I’ve got it:¬†Anthony,
    Lighten your anxiety.

The archaic word albeit
Does not rhyme with eight-you see it;
    With¬†and¬†forthwith, one has voice,
    One has not, you make your choice.

Shoes, goes, does *. Now first say: finger;
Then say: singer, ginger, linger.
    Real,¬†zeal,¬†mauve, gauze¬†and¬†gauge,

Hero, heron, query, very,
Parry, tarry fury, bury,
    Dost,¬†lost,¬†post, and¬†doth,¬†cloth,¬†loth,

Faugh, oppugnant, keen oppugners,
Bowing, bowing, banjo-tuners
    Holm¬†you know, but¬†noes, canoes,
    Puisne,¬†truism,¬†use, to¬†use?

Though the difference seems little,
We say actual, but victual,
    Put,¬†nut,¬†granite, and¬†unite.

Reefer does not rhyme with deafer,
Feoffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
    Hint,¬†pint,¬†senate, but¬†sedate.

Gaelic, Arabic, pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific;
    Tour, but¬†our, dour, succour,¬†four,
    Gas,¬†alas, and¬†Arkansas.

Say manoeuvre, yacht and vomit,
Next omit, which differs from it
    Bona fide, alibi
    Gyrate, dowry¬†and¬†awry.

Sea, idea, guinea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion with battalion,

Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, receiver.
    Never guess-it is not¬†safe,
    We say¬†calves,¬†valves,¬†half, but¬†Ralf.

Starry, granary, canary,
Crevice, but device, and eyrie,
    Face, but¬†preface, then¬†grimace,

Bass, large, target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, oust, joust, and scour, but scourging;
    Ear, but¬†earn; and¬†ere¬†and¬†tear
    Do not rhyme with¬†here¬†but¬†heir.

Mind the o of off and often
Which may be pronounced as orphan,
    With the sound of¬†saw¬†and¬†sauce;
    Also¬†soft, lost, cloth¬†and¬†cross.

Pudding, puddle, putting. Putting?
Yes: at golf it rhymes with shutting.
    Respite, spite, consent, resent.
    Liable, but¬†Parliament.

Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew, Stephen,

A of valour, vapid vapour,
S of news (compare newspaper),
    G¬†of¬†gibbet, gibbon, gist,

Differ like diverse and divers,
Rivers, strivers, shivers, fivers.
    Once, but¬†nonce, toll, doll,¬†but¬†roll,
    Polish, Polish, poll¬†and¬†poll.

Pronunciation-think of Psyche!-
Is a paling, stout and spiky.
    Won’t it make you lose your¬†wits
    Writing¬†groats¬†and saying “grits”?

It’s a dark¬†abyss¬†or¬†tunnel
Strewn with stones like rowlock, gunwale,
    Islington, and¬†Isle¬†of¬†Wight,

Don’t you think so, reader,¬†rather,
Saying lather, bather, father?
    Finally, which rhymes with¬†enough,
    Though,¬†through,¬†bough,¬†cough,¬†hough,¬†sough, tough??

Hiccough¬†has the sound of¬†sup…
My advice is: GIVE IT UP!

~ Gerard Nolst Trenité (1870-1946)